I decided to re-re-post this. I wrote it years ago and by practicing what I preached I met., fell in love with and married the most amazing woman I have ever met. No I am not trying to say that by doing this, all your love life problems will disappear. All I am saying is that it works for me.
I guess this one is for Isaac, he has spread this around and given me credit for it for so long I figured I might as well own it. In reality I am the one who coined the phrase “Samurai Dating” but until very recently, like kind of this past month have I really put it into practice.
How do I explain Samurai Dating ????? Well I think most people know that the Samurai Warriors were used as the personal guard for Japanese Royalty for many centuries. They are considered one of the most formidable combatants in the history of war. I do not claim to be an expert on Japanese history or Samurai code and I am sure that a quick glimpse at Wikipedia will dispel my theories but where is the fun in that? No what I know or think I know comes from a combination of Samurai movies and my own imagination, I think, who knows, I have thought and believed what I am about to say for so long that it has become fact for me and like the song goes “ it’s my blog and I’ll lie if I want to, lie if I want to” ok so that is not how it really goes but it made me giggle to write it.
I do want to point out if you do not know me or if you are new to this meandering and slightly twisted view of life I should give you fill you in to 2 facts. 1) I NEVER lie, * at least not here, here everything I say is exactly what I mean and if I share a memory, I will readily admit that it is possible that time and or drug use has warped it a bit, in the end I am writing precisely what I recall. (* I did put the caveat “ at least not here” in because by trade I am a location scout on a crime drama and when I am scouting for a house that in the show will be occupied by a sadistic serial rapist, it would be pretty f-d up to tell the homeowner who asks. “Why my house?” “ Well this looks like the kind of house a sadistic rapist would live in”. So yes I do give creative answers once in a while). That said the other thing you should know is I do not edit, cut and paste, second draft or even really proof read what I publish here.
When I started this little adventure I was in extreme emotional pain having ended a relationship with a woman I thought I was going to spend my life with and worse than that, she had a very young son (14 months – 23 months during our time together) and I experienced loving a being more than I had ever thought possible, more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone or anything and I was lost. I started writing a sort of auto – biography here, which has kind of stalled, and then it transgressed into a blog, but it seems that it is not an ordinary blog. I am not an “anything” expert. I am not political. I am funny sometimes but I am not a comic. I do not do social commentary, or maybe I do, simple fact is I do not know exactly what that is. I started doing this because I felt I was fading away, I needed to connect to someone, anyone in order to feel real. I was possessed of the delusion that I actually I did not exactly exist unless someone acknowledged my existence. I needed contact and I could not sleep in my own apartment, the child’s toys, crib, highchair and even his spirit haunted my apartment, which had felt like home only days before and had become an alien and hostile place and to avoid that emptiness I wrote. I wrote whatever came to mind. I told my story. I told jokes. I justified my pain. I hid behind my anger but what I did more than anything was the equivalent of casting message bottles out into the sea or cyber space wanting someone, anyone to find them and save me. As the pain subsided I started to see that I was connecting to people, perhaps not in the physical and intimate way that I hoped but on a more emotional and even spiritual level. I am not a writer. I have no more than a high school education. I know nothing of sentence structure or how to create depth using the written word, but somehow I have discovered that I have a voice. I am not a blog – reader per say. I have nothing to sell. Hell I don’t even know how to set up a website. But I think as such I am raw and loud and maybe just a little crazy, but I also see that I give voice to other people’s thoughts and that I have a voice. Oddly enough I DO feel pressure to produce but not in an obsessive way. I walk thousands of stairs each morning and during this work out ideas form and as they day goes on I add to that idea and then I start to write, what happens next is really anyone’s guess. I have during my life had various was of disassociating, from early days of rocking on a rocking horse to obsessive individual sports, music, movie watching and drugs. I check out and go on cruise control and the same thing happens here and I will not stop and question what I write cuz I know it needs to be said.
Ok so back to Samurai Dating. Besides physical skills and weaponry aside, one of the things that made the Samurai so badass was the acceptance of death as a possible and even probable outcome of any battle. That combined with complete lack of fear of death allowed him to fight with no concern for his personal safety, taking any chance never pulling his punches as it were. Because of this he rarely lost. Well Samurai Dating is taking that same attitude into the dating word. The trick is to not NEED to connect, to not fear rejection, to love yourself as you are, to love the nature of yourself, which of course requires you to know yourself. My therapist says that what I propose and am currently practicing is difficult for many people because they have spent their lives trying to be what they think other people (parents) wanted them to be. That who they are or were is not enough. For myself, though I had loving parents, they were busy and I just kind of disappeared. As a result I have never needed to be anything other than who I am, I was not seen anyway so it did not matter. My fears of being totally alone have been rooted in the delusion I mentioned earlier of not existing unless I was connected to someone. That delusion has shattered and I am here. I am sometimes angry, sometimes sad, always sarcastic, helpful, hyper, sometimes accidentally insensitive, I am many things and I see these things as part of my nature as opposed to a constant measurement of defects and liabilities. I hate it when I hurt anyone’s feelings but I do not hate myself for doing it because there is no malice in my heart. I pretty much rock my own world. So now I am trying to date. My goal is to have a child of my own. I volunteer to read to and do arts and crafts with kids. I am an honorary uncle to a few and I love these things but it is not the same as being a dad. My time spent with the little one this year showed me that despite having fumbled the ball of life and not having created much security and stability, financially speaking, that I am going to be an amazing dad. The challenge is to find someone who I can achieve this goal with.
This brings us to the practice of Samurai Dating. I do not fear rejection. I actually sort of expect it. Many of the women I pursue see me as too old on paper, but if I were to compromise and shift my attention to women who are more age appropriate, it would make my goal that much loftier. But regardless, while I am in the dating world I refuse to be anyone or anything other than my genuine self. There is one very simple reason for this. IF I attempt to edit who I am or what I do, to impress a woman, I may very well win her over, but who really won her over? Not me, more likely a character that I played in order to succeed. The inherent problem is that at some point in the not too distant future, I will pop up, and this poor woman will be like “who the hell are you?” I acknowledge that my energy, my caustic look at life, my scars my baggage, may appear daunting to a partner, but surprise !!!!! I OWN it. It is mine to fix, discard or carry. I ask no one and need no one to “fix” me. I am not actually broken. Bruised yes, broken no. So when I approach a dating situation I dive in as if I have nothing to lose because I do not. What is the worst that could happen? I am rejected. Ok? Fine. My loss? Her loss? I don’t have that answer but I do know that rejections change nothing. I still have my health, my job, my car, my sobriety, and my own company. I have lost nothing but what I do know is that when I do find someone who accepts me and who I accept, I cannot think of anything that could destroy what we create. It is not possible because we are ourselves, complete individuals, and what is formed is it’s own entity fueled by the natures of the two people creating it. I know it could take time and there was a time not long ago when that time seemed to be taunting me but I know now that bending to time is just another way of not being my genuine self. I refuse to compromise in order to make a connection. I do not have to or want to.
I am going to end this by telling a short version of a friends’ story. My friend was a co-author of a book about dating and as such he was thrust into the unlikely position of being a relationship expert, which he was not. His book was about how to avoid getting into a toxic relationship or chasing something unattainable. What he did say was that the reason his marriage had lasted to the present time was because he had never asked his wife, and she had never asked him to change who they were. Things they did, yes. Who they were, the nature of who they were? NEVER and as a result they fell in love with the person they are with and remain with. I hope this touches someone. I hope someone looks in a mirror and says yeah maybe I am not perfect but I DO ROCK and if a man or a woman does not see it, it just means they are looking for someone that rocks a different song and that their partner is still looking for them and when they meet up they will not feel any pressure to change or be anyone but who they are.Perfect in the moment. Fearless. A Samurai, DATING !