The Whole Life Challenge – Why an Official Team ?

Hey WLCers

As we approach the May 2017 edition of The Whole Life Challenge I am seeing a lot of inquires about Official vs Unofficial Teams and why would I join an Official Team if I am already on a small team of friends, family, coworkers etc. Keep in mind you can actually be on 2 teams.  First off, some of you are already on Official Teams associated with your gym or other WLC Partners. In addition there are 2 large, world wide teams with which you can align yourselves. They are my team, The Whole Life Crushers and a team run by Ayesha Kamal, Worldwide Warriors.   I am sure some of you have seen us posting on the FB Official Whole Life Challenge page both promoting our teams and chiming in to support and share our experience in the comment sections. You may even wonder who we are and why we are so busy here.

In answer to this, we are both Worldwide Ambassadors for The Whole Life Challenge.  Ayesha has been involved in the Challenge since 2012 and I have participated as a player and eventually a Captain since Fall 2013.  So what you have here are 2 people who REALLY believe in this thing and a combined 9 years of experience.

With that in mind,  the first thing you gain by joining one of our teams is direct access to that kind of experience.  Make no mistake, this thing is called a Challenge for a reason.  You are challenged to expand your awareness in areas of your lives that for some of us, we did not even had areas before !  I mean, how many of you have been logging water intake and sleep hours, you know, just for fun or taking a few minutes to meditate or focus on gratitude daily, even for a week ?  And since a lot of you join this thing to lose weight and improve fitness, you may wonder how these things help with that goal.  You may also get frustrated along the way with what you see as a lack of progress.  So one of the first reasons why you may want to join one of our teams is simple.  Both of us, as well as some of our many teammates have been there, done that, and as such you will have be able to reach out to a vast array of experience on how to push through these moments and keep your eye on the prize.

Another thing you gain with joining one of our teams is 8 full weeks of support. Here are some hard numbers.  Historically, 10% of the people who sign up for the Challenge, never log in.  Not once. And as the 8 weeks go by, the world wide average for logging in is around 40%.   Doing some quick math, you can see how on a smaller team, as you approach the last couple weeks, there is a chance you could be on your own !  With a team of 200, you are guaranteed to have teammates right up to the end.  And even if 199 of the team fell off, which will NEVER happen, Ayesha and I will be there to catch you right up to the finish line !  But as I said, that will never happen. As a matter of fact, we traditionally have between 70 and 80 % attendance, as compared to the world average. The simple fact is, we have a long term track record of getting people to the finish line and this thing works best if you allow yourself to adhere to the habits for the full 8 weeks.

The last thing that I want to mention, and one that I think is sometimes lost in the translation is – FUN !  Yeah, fun because who wants to do something hard if you can not have a little fun along the way. This thing is not meant to be an added area of stress.  By keeping score, and having a leaderboard, we can have some lighthearted competion both with our teammates, ourselves and as a team against all the other teams Worldwide.  Now I personally do not push for perfection from my team, or even from myself, but some of you may want to do that, I mean in the end, someone’s name is on the top of the leaderboard. you can also see how you stack up against your against other players of the same gender, age, nutrition level etc.  For my first few Challenges that was a way for me to push myself. That might not be for everyone but it can still be fun for some of you.  But in the end, and one of the things I like to say is  awareness not perfection.  Most of us will not have perfect scores but by checking in with our team, sharing our reflections, you will come to realize that one of the most important lessons to be learned by doing The Whole Life Challenge is mindfulness. Being mindful of what you put in your body, mindful of how much time you might spend procrastinating, how much time might just be wasted. You will see how much better you perform when you get the proper amount of sleep. You will also become mindful of the changes in your body that might not even be about the number on the scale. You will notice that you feel better, you will be calmer, your skin will look better, you may find yourself being grateful for the things that surround you daily. Now I know those are all lofty promises but I can attest to them because that is what has happened to me.  I started this thing in order to have abs like Jason Statham, now I won’t say whether that goal has been reached BUT what has happened is that beside all the things I listed above, I have also become an inspiration to others and way before I started doing the Challenge, being an inspiration to someone, anyone, has always been my life time goal. So I can say – mission accomplished! I can’t say that all of you will reach your life long goals, you may not even reach your short term goal by the end of the 8 weeks but you will be well on your way to learning the habits that will get you there and having had 8 weeks of accountability, you may learn to hold yourself accountable – even when no one is watching.

Anyway, I have rambled on way too long and I am willing to bet that very few of you have stuck with this opus to the very end.  But for those of you who have, I will share my most important advice.

 

IF IT DOESN’T CHALLENGE YOU, IT DOESN’T CHANGE YOU

 

 

 

If you want to be a part of The Whole Life Crushers follow this link  https://game.wholelifechallenge.com/wlc1705/join

 

 

To find Ayesha’s Team. Use this link  https://game.wholelifechallenge.com/wlc1705/teams/worldwide-warriors-6306a838-2844-4bf9-ba50-e56249fe3f70#/

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Whole Life Challenge – New Beginnings

Coach Kane !The Summer 2014 Whole Life Challenge is in full swing and I could not be more excited Somehow, based on word of mouth and a barrage of mentions on my Facebook page, I accumulated a team of about 30 people !  It sort of blows me away really.  A few of them did it with me over the winter and a few are new real life friends and or co-workers who signed up.  The rest are friends of friends and truth be told there are a few who I have no idea how they found out about our little rag-tag group.

I am proud of each of them. I know they think they are getting a lot of support  and inspiration from me. But what they don’t know, is that being in this position, a position of motivator, of someone who is looked up to for guidance, well that’s not a position I could have ever imagined myself being in just s few short months ago.

I have already blathered on enough about how The Challenge changed and possibly helped save my life, so now I just want to talk about my team.

I was honored to be able to be part of the baseline workout for my wife, a second time participant,  and 4 others, all of whom are rookies.  These people came out and rocked it. Besides Agnes, there was Sabrina, who, from what I understand does spinning and other fitness things.  Poor girl showed up having had a tattoo done earlier in the week and had one arm all sore and as a result could not do any upper body stuff.  When it came time to alternate between push-ups and squats, it was all squats and I am willing to bet her thighs were wide awake this morning !  The rest of my little group of novices, Mike, Violetta and Courtney, had no real idea what they were getting into and I am sure the two minute set they had to do of running, push-ups, squats, sit-ups and more running, seemed like 20 minutes each, but each of them pushed it to the end.  I acknowledge that I have been a bit of an inspiration to people due to my successes in the past two challenges, but there is no way that could compare to how inspirational it was for me to see these guys give it all they had.  They all CRUSHED it.

Oh and before I forget. My rock star wife actually beat her final score from the last challenge by about 15% !!!!!  I myself scored lower on this base line than I did on my final workout 2 months ago. !

Since then our page has been on fire with people sharing recipes and ideas, photos, links and support.  It had sort of taken on a life of it’s own and I am proud and humbled to even be a part of it.  I of course have some physical goals that I would like to accomplish, but if all I get out of this one is the interaction with these wonderful people and the honor of being their friend and in some ways, their mentors.

The Whole Life Challenge is for sure one of the best things I have ever done for myself. !

 

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Whole Life Challenge – Prep Week

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Getting psyched for the upcoming challenge ?  I am. I am also prepping.

First off I am increasing my water intake and stocking the house with sparkling water.  I am horrible about hydrating and I HATE flat water.  Having the type of water I like to drink at arms length, will make it much easier to keep up with hydration , nothing worse than trying to make my 85 ounces per day goal in the last two hours before I go to bed !

Secondly, having lost considerable weight and inches in the last two challenges, my goal here, is more lean muscle.  To achieve that, I know I need to increase calories, specifically, increase protein.  I am nervous about that because I know if I see my weight going up I am going to freak out and want to starve myself.  I’ll to have to keep reminding myself that it’s about body fat % not weight.  On that note, I went ahead and got a Fitbit Aria scale which allows me to monitor my BF%.  I know it is not as accurate as the hydrostatic tanks, but who can afford to do that weekly ?  With Aria, even if the numbers aren’t perfect, it will at least track progress or lack thereof.

Thirdly (is that a word?) I, or I should say we, my wife and I, are scouring the internet and health food stores for good deals on WLC compliant, sugar free, gluten free, snacks.  I am going to be off work, unless some day player stuff comes up, for the entirety of the challenge and that means a lot of movies and videos at home.  I don’t know about you but, for me, snacks and movies go together like yin and yang.  Having tasty stuff around that is satisfying and clean food, will definitely help.

Fourth, since I am all about apps and gadgets, my phone is loaded with MapMyWalk, Zombies Run! and MyFitnessPal, linked to Fitbit.  Don’t judge me !   I am using these to monitor my caloric intake and just as important, my calorie burn. I am super hyper and active and for me it’s easy to burn up calories just pacing while I am on the phone or walking to meetings and that kind of thing.  Also with MyFitnessPal allows me to monitor what types of food (protein, carbs and fat) I am taking in.  I can set goals.  I am excited about learning more about food.

Lastly, since I can not, as of yet, lift weights because of my surgery in December.  On advice of my physician I am able to do body weight exercises,  things like dips and push-ups.  With that in mind I ordered a weight vest to increase resistance.  I also got some ankle weights to increase the effectiveness of leg lifts and running stairs.  My workout plan is distance running one day, walking 30-45 minutes coupled with core and upper body work the next, and stairs and squats the the third day.  Day four will be active recovery which will consist of a mellow walk and possible some light cycling.  I think this will be pretty effective.  I am really making this all up as I go along as I have no trainer and I do not belong to a gym, but my attitude is, I decreased my weight from 197 to 169 and my BF% from 23.4 to 15.8, during the past two challenges and I did it all the same way, just doing what seemed logical based on research on the internet.

Anyway.  I hope my plan, or the fact that I am planning at all, will help motivate and maybe educate some of my teammates, because another one of my goals for this challenge is to assist and possibly inspire people

 

 

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Whole Life Challenge = Whole Life Change

This blog is about my experience with the Whole Life Challenge.

Ok let’s begin with the facts and figures.  I am 54 years old.  5 foot 11 inches tall.  Currently I weigh 173 pounds and at last testing, I was 15.8 % body fat.  My waist is around 33 inches and on a good day I run just under 10 minutes miles in a 5K.

I have done 2 Whole Life Challenges  – Fall 2013 and New Years 2014.  When I began the Fall Challenge, I had been running stairs on my own almost every morning for about 16 months and had recently added in some jogging.  I made up my diet as I went along. During this time I had lost 16 to 18 pounds.

A friend who is actively involved in Cross Fit guided me to the WLC.  I do not do Cross Fit, nor do I have a trainer or go to any boot camps.  As a matter of fact I do not even belong to a gym!

At the start of the Fall Challenge I was approximately 197 pounds and at my first Body Fat testing I was @ 23.5 %.  I was squeezing into 35 inch waist pants.

In addition to all this, I am a recovering drug addict and I credit WLC with being  a major factor in my current, and rather new, sobriety.

Now how do I get from where I was to where, I am and how does WLC tie into sobriety? The short answer is. Vanity, Accountability and my Competitive Nature.

Ok so let me break it down.

I have always been competitive and more than a little vain. (As a matter of fact, one of my primary goals in doing the challenge is that I wanted to have abs like Jason Statham!). So it only makes sense that I would want to log my points each day and obsessively track where I ranked in comparison to my teammates and the rest of the world in general.

Lets get to the fun stuff.

I did the initial workout for the first challenge in September.  I was already struggling with my addiction and had been for a few months.  I tried and failed to stay clean in the weeks leading up to the challenge and I am certain it limited my performance on that day.  I was able to complete it and log my score. After that I did my best to maintain sobriety. I will not say I was perfect but I will say that my obsessive need to win forced me to not use on consecutive days for fear of losing points. (I know, I am kind of a freak – don’t judge me!)

As the weeks went on I was sober a lot more than I was loaded and would always out myself on the days I used.  Funny side note.  On one occasion when I used, I called a friend to tell him and he reminded me that drugs were not WLC compliant and he asked if I had deducted a point. I replied that I had deducted two.  I also suffered an aggravation to a chronic injury to my left shoulder and had to adjust my workouts to accommodate arthroscopic surgery  that I ended up having in December

Anyway I completed the first challenge with a perfect score, having used some bonus points.  I had lost 7 inches between my waist and hips. My total weight loss was 17 pounds and I had reduced my body fat percentage to 19.8 %. Unfortunately I was unable to complete the workout at the end of the challenge so my ranking became more or less inconsequential I did however come out of it with a sense of accomplishment having completed and I saw a significant progress in chasing my goal of Jason Statham like absAbs - December 2013

 

Not bad I guess ……

Next up on this journey was my minor shoulder surgery, which took place on Dec 20, 2013, about 3 weeks before the start of the New Year’s Challenge.  For this one I put together a little team of people.  The reason I mention this is that having people look at my progress and sort of look to me as a leader really helped to bolster my self esteem, which had been taking a beating due to my sobriety “slips”.

This time around I set what I thought were realistic goals which were – lose 2% body fat, be able to do under 10 minute miles in a 5K (at this point I was at about 10.30 – 10.45) and of course. The previously mentioned, Jason Statham abs.

As it turns out I had a couple of one day relapses in my recovery, both of which ended quickly for fear of losing points, but this time around I decided enough was enough and I got myself into a rehab.  Upon arriving I was determined to stay as compliant as possible with WLC but I was also willing to just do the best I could knowing I had no control over my diet.  Turns out, the people at the center were very supportive and prepared a special request diet for me.  My wife logged in my points while I was there and I took deductions as needed but was unable to post reflections.  As a result my points total was less than perfect, but still a respectable 600 out of a possible 605.

While I was at the recovery center I was able to workout 1.5 – 2 hours a day by getting up at 5 AM every day. With weight training out of the question, my workouts alternated between running 4 to 6 miles on the treadmill one day and walking 2 miles along with 1 hour of abdominal exercises and squats, the next day.  I did this all but 2 days while I was there. The respect I was getting from my fellow residents coupled with the obvious changes in my appearance, continued to bolster my confidence and prove to me that if I could dedicate myself to the WLC, I could use that focus in my recovery.

I left the rehab a week before the challenge ended.  My final work out showed an improvement of 36%.  My measurement (body fat %)  improved by 19% and I actually ran a 10K at under 10 minutes a mile, which far exceeded my target.  And as for my most important goal….

 

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Not exactly Statham like but ….

            In closing I want to say that people should know that the WLC is not only for fitness “nuts” but it can easily make a person become one.  It is attainable for anyone.  I can’t say everyone will have the same level of results as I had but I promise anyone that if you just finish,  you will be left with a feeling that you can accomplish anything!

* P.S  – I have maintained my sobriety since the close of the Challenge and have been at least 90% WLC compliant.  Looking forward to the next one !

 

 

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Why I did not do the 30 days of Gratitude

Short answer – just not enough days !

Long answer  –  To use a phrase that I have a hard time with as an agnostic, I am blessed far beyond my imagining.

That said, I figure I should give a few specifics

First and foremost I am grateful to still be alive. And sober.  Because, at least for me, iF I did not have the second , it is doubtful I could maintain the first.

Hopefully it goes without saying that I am grateful for my wife, the beautiful and talented Agnes Kane  Having her in my life changed my house into a home and my existence into a life.  She is the strongest and most positive person I have ever encountered and I am blown away on a daily basis by the grace in which she lives.  This amazing woman single handedly made our wedding the most beautiful event I have ever seen, and the fact that I was honored to be a part of it fills me with a feeling that is literally beyond explanation.  I thank whatever may or may not be out there every day that I met her, and will spend the rest of my life doing my best to keep both of us happy and safe.  She gives my life purpose.

I am also overwhelmingly thankful for music.  I have lived long enough and been open enough to have enjoyed and been touched by music from the 70s until this very moment.  My entire life revolves around music, whether it is listening to, watching live, or clumsily attempting to play it myself, it permeates every aspect of my existence. In particular I sometimes feel like I owe my sanity to Jethro Tull/Ian Anderson.  For whatever reason they/he are/is the only artist I have remained faithful to since the first show I ever went to in 1975.  There is literally nothing that I am going through that can not be fixed by listing to Ian and the boys.  The message in the song “Nothing is Easy” , sums it up perfectly  –

Nothing is easy.
Though time gets you worrying
My friend, it’s o.k.
Just take your life easy
And stop all that hurrying,
Be happy my way.

When tension starts mounting
And you’ve lost count
Of the pennies you’ve missed,
Just try hard and see why they’re not worrying me,
They’re last on my list.
Nothing’s easy.

Nothing is easy, you’ll find
That the squeeze won’t turn out so bad.
Your fingers may freeze, worse things happen at sea,
There’s good times to be had.
So if you’re alone and you’re down to the bone,
Just give us a play.
You’ll smile in a while and discover
That I’ll get you happy my way —
Nothing’s easy.

How can y0u listen to that message and not change your out look ?  I can’t.

In a continuation of my gratitude of music,  I was fortunate enough to be able to see the following bands perform live this year

Cake – Primus – Muse – Queens of the Stone Age –  Garbage   – Willie Nelson – The Postal Service – Pearl Jam – Ian Anderson (shocking I know) – Silversun Pickups – The Reigning Monarchs – The Naked and Famous – The Colourist – Barry Manilow ( ok not all that grateful for that one but it made Agnes happy and that made it more than worth it) –  Metric – Paramore (surprisingly good show) –  in advance I am appreciative that I will get to see Cage the Elephant – Arctic Monkeys – Kings of Leon – AFI and again the mighty Queens of the Stone Age

Next up on the list of thanks would be that I have the most amazing friends, both real world and cyber.  I know doing a blanket thanks is the easy way to go but I feel like I need to single out a few.

First on the list has to be the incomparable Ross G.  Besides the fact that he was the best man at my wedding, he has also been there, in any way that I have needed him for going on 2 decades now. I could write a book listing all the things he has done for me and what he means to me but some things go without saying. To sum it up he is my brother and not only would I die for him if needed, I would kill for him.

Speaking of 2 decades, I need to tip my hat to Terri Harrah and Isaac Reddick. Both of them have seen me at my absolute worst and at no time have I ever felt judged or rejected by either of them. Regardless of the distance between us, or the chaos surrounding their lives, if I call and say – I need help – either of them would drop whatever they are doing and respond.

Since I mentioned the length of time of the above relationships, coming up in a veritable tie for next up would be Lane Kennedy-Levy and Sarah Sullivan.   I met them at about the same time and oddly enough in the same place – 617 North Robertson Blvd West Hollywood –  Now two things that make these friendships unique to the many other connections that I made at that same address, are 1) both of them stuck through the years regardless of geographic distance or losing touch for various periods of time and 2) and this is just kinda weird, they both ended up living in the bay area.  I am fortunate to be able to talk to both of them multiple times each week and I never end any of those conversations with out feeling better than when I dialed or answered.

At this point I would like to make special mention of Miss Katie Blank.  The fact that her and I connected sort of defies logic. I am old enough to be her significantly older brother – ok old enough to be her father – but somehow we just clicked.  Oddly we met at a psych ward – luckily neither of us were patients !   Besides the age, there is also the life style, Katie is by far the “Silverlake” coolest person I know with her hair dyed various colors, her colorful, relatively discreet, multiple tattoos as well as how hard she can rock a pair of chucks, she is the kind of person I feel like a complete “square” around, but somehow she sees past my outer, middle aged nerd, to the kind of cool older guy that I like to think I am.  Either way, her and I are connected and I like to think she sees me as an older brother figure because she for sure is like a little sister to me.

Honorable mentions go to Mike Knibbs and Kathleen Kathleen Ressegger and Ashley Beveridge  Though circumstances of all of our very full lives makes it difficult for us to spend the kind of time together that I would like, all  of them have been around for years and I know that we will continue to stay in contact for many years to come.

I would be totally remiss if I did not mention my parents, Howard and Joyce.  I have put them through hell for most of my life but they have never given up hope for me and I am beyond indebted to the fact that they were able to be there for my wedding and that I was able to show them that I am capable of being an adult and somewhat stable.

Ok so let’s get to my job. I was fortunate enough to have fallen into a a career doing something (Location Scouting and Managing)  that I did even know existed before I got into it.  I am also flabbergasted that I have been able to bounce back from all the craziness I created in my own life, to continue to be relatively employable.  This has led me to by far the best gig I have ever had.  I am lucky enough to be part of the Location Department on The Hit TV Show Criminal Minds, and I KNOW we are one of, if not the best, Location Teams operating in the Los Angeles area right now.

Getting into more detail I have to highlight my direct supervisor Jeffrey T Spellman.  Somehow he was able to ride out the insanity of my early sober days and cleaning up of the inevitable mess I had created long enough for us to become a very fluid machine.  He is the best location manager I have every worked with and  he makes it easy for me to show up and give 100% every day to some one who appreciates it.  I also am proud to call him a friend and I had the privilege of having him as a guest at my wedding.

Next up on the seemingly never ending list of good people I have in my life is my friend and co-worker Mr David Van Dam.  I know I amuse and most likely annoy him.  He makes the job fun.  Granted his is a closet conservative with a tricky way of distancing himself enough from them to stay out of the kill zone when some of the whack jobs on that side of the fence pull one of their bone-head moves.  Either way, he cracks my ass up and has seen me at my bottom and has hung around to see me dig my way out.

Speaking of which I want to single out Gary Watt, without whom I would not even have this job.

Rounding out the group from the land of misfit toys are Walter Roshetski, Jodi Leininger and Leslie Morrow.  All professionals in  every sense of the word.  All good at their jobs and they all look good doing it !   And I would also to add that Walter is one of the single funniest guys I know !

It just hit me that  I could spend the rest of the day writing about all the great people I work with but I will make special mention of Erica Meredith and Dania Bennett, both of whom are talented up and coming writers and film makers, who I am able to watch as they move along their paths and both of whom I was honored to have as guests at my wedding.

One more person I want to mention is one of our PAs. Mustafa Harris, he is motivated in his career and he shows up as a father to his son and watching him do it, makes me, to use a lame phrase, want to be a better man.  I consider him a friend and I hope he does the same with me.

 

Before I jump to my cyber friends I have to give a shout out to Greg Behrendt – aka Ripped Like Jesus – I get to watch him chase his dream and I am proud to be his fan and his friend

I know for sure that I have probably missed a few people but the fact that I have spent the past hour just listing so many people just blows me the fuck away !

Before I close this opus out I do have to acknowledge at least two of my hybrid cyber/IRL  friends.  The inspirational Brook Purdy – Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire and my candidate for Mother of the Year, and the cantankerous Mike One Shot Coulter.  I honestly think he and I connected through an argument about the most overrated piece of shit movies in history “The Master” and have since sparred over, NBA vs MLB, The Walking Dead and most recently “SOA”.  This fun adversarial online thing we have going led to him inviting me to his water slide party and more surprisingly – ME SHOWING UP – I don’t do that for many people but he is my favorite curmudgeon.

I am now going to try and list just a few of my Facebookers that actually keep me entertained who, besides my pathetic need for attention, are the reasons I stay on the platform.  So in no particular order,  John W James, the most compassionate, semi angry, right winger I have ever had the pleasure of butting heads with.  Mirren Wise, who taught me, after way too many stupid cyber fights, that it is better to be comfortable than right. Elif Erginer Schweizer,  one person I can depend on to co-sign my BS, but only within reason.  Andrew Erskine Wheeler, his never wavering support of my beloved Los Angeles Lakers makes us kindred spirits. Sharon M Gowen, a fellow Southington CT native who supported me during a very dark time in my life and helped me to see I have value and talent. Jason Christopher, who for whatever reason, I have not had much of a real world connection with, but who, besides being one of my heroes, allows me to watch his little boy grow by WAY over posting photos, every one of which I look at and I already love that little cutie even though I have never seen him in person.

Ok I KNOW I have a missed some people but I am getting shaky from not eating, however I would be re-miss if I did not mention my new “celebrity”,  yeah I said it,  friend, one Kat Corbett from the World Famous KROQ ! As a general rule I do not click on videos, memes and news stories that people refer to as “amazing”  “funniest thing ever” etc, most of which turn out to be mind numbingly lame, but if Kat puts something up, it’s always worth the time to check it out !

 

 

Oh wait  – Thank you Michael Berba for taking the time and effort to help me right the ship that is my life, I know it’s a new adventure but I really think we will be in each other’s lives for a long time to come.

Anyway, to all of you listed above and to anyone else who I may have forgotten, a big fat

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING

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Without Remorse

The following story may or may not be fictional.  The names have been excluded because they have no bearing on our tale

 

1989  – Hollywood.  Struggling musician (what a cliche’) hooks up with a “model”.  A sporadic, disconnected, deviant relationship begins.  No details are needed.  It’s not that kind of story.
This is a story of honor.  A story of lies.  A story of betrayal.  A story of shame.  A story of many things, but no remorse.

 

The struggling musician and the “model”.  It was years later before he figured out “model” is code for escort in some circles.

 

Struggling musician thinks he is honorable.  Or at least his version of honorable   You see, our hero/anti-hero has a secret.  He is not honorable.  He is not acting honorably.   He had betrayed the trust of one who deserved it above all others.

 

The model, this whore.  Never attempted to appear honorable.  The level of her dishonor was yet to be discovered.

 

The dilemma was she knew of his dishonor and was not fazed by it.  He mistook this for love.  It was not love. This was lust and the intimacy of two sharing a lie.  The lie was deep.  Deeper than he could know.  He only had 1/2 of the program.  He only knew his dishonor  But he felt no remorse. Not then

 

The model/whore had a secret. The same secret as his and when discovered,  this dishonorable man did what he thought of as an honorable act.  In an imperfect attempt to embody the “bros before hoes” code, he exposed her secret to the one, the other one who was a victim of her dishonor

 

The whore/model panicked. She called on our now complete anti-hero to save her.  Save her from the coming storm that was her betrayed. Our formerly “honorable” man answered the call

 

As he arrived in the 1987 Buick version of a white horse to sweep her away to their happily ever after.  He was met by a new level of betrayal.

 

You see the model/hooker/whore, had never been honorable and because of his distorted version of what honor was, he was ill prepared for what was to transpire

 

As he dismounted and approached the home of the whore, he was met by a group enlisted to protect her from the now dishonorable man.  A scuffle ensued. He was outnumbered and desperate.  Though his honor was now gone,his instinct was not.  The “protectors” seemed to think he would cower and surrender.  Sadly for one of them, his lack of honor did not mean he had surrendered.

 

One of the protectors took a mis-step.  The once hero, turned anti-hero turned cornered animal saw his moment and fought as he flew.  He landed well.  The fallen protector did not.  We will never know if the fallen protector was a man of honor, doing what he thought was honorable for a woman without honor.  A victim of her lies.  Or it he was a conspirator.  A willing participant  turned victim.  A fatal decision.

 

Whether it was an honorable of dishonorable decision, or what type of man the protector turned victim was, mattered not to our now dishonorable former hero turned villain.

It mattered not because his lack of honor allowed him to walk away from a shattered and prematurely ended life without remorse.

 

 

That would come much later. But not a remorse for the outcome but remorse for the cause.  Remorse over the loss of his honor.

 

He vowed to act honorably for the rest of his days.  And he has.  But…….. he still questions whether his lack of remorse defines him.  He ponders, “Is the honor true” ?

 

Will he ever know the answers to these questions.

 

Does it matter ?

 

If he continues to act with honor he will never again have to be in a remorseful position without remorse.

 

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