Or maybe, who do I think I am ?
That’s always been a hard thing to describe. Well by name I am Phill Kane. I currently live in Los Angeles CA, and as stereotypical as this may sound, YES I do work in the film industry and NO I very much doubt you have ever heard of me. I won’t even begin to assume that you do not know how to use Google search so if you really want to know what I have done, you can feel free to use it. Don’t forget the 2 Ls, Most people do. Which may bring up the first question. Why the 2 Ls, Well there are two answers, one which is completely valid and accurate is that my born name is Phillip with 2 Ls and logic should demand the Phil would then become Phill, This is a very sound way of explaining why I use 2 Ls, however it is not the truth, The truth is that when i added the second L at perhaps 17 or 18, I just wanted to be different. Different then all the other angst ridden suburban teenagers that I was hanging out (partying) with and different then who I was or who I used to be, You see I hated myself as a child. I was small and scared and I hid from everything. I was uncomfortable everywhere doing anything and it was not until my mid to late teens that I finally felt like i actually belonged in the world.
But that is not who I am. That is what I do and one strange and quirky thing that I did, One of many hundreds of decisions that I made but at least one that did not seem to have any ill effect. The same can not be said of many of my subsequent decisions. My guess is that if you join me on this journey that I am startting that perhaps you will hear more about the choices I made that brought me here to where i am but still I do not think that will answer the question WHO AM I ? Oddly enough when making this site, this tab was titled “About Me” and they suggested I list my hobbies, interestes and the like, but what the fuck ? This is not a crazy dating site or even a social networking site. This is a place where I am going to try and let you see the world through my eyes. Out of necessity I will need to give you some background as to how I came to have this singular vision, but I think it best that you get that piece meal. Not only will that be easier for me but I think some of what I have seen and done is best shared amongst friends and until we know each other better, how do we know if we even want to be friends. I am the first to admit that i am somewhat of a cynical, outspoken and opinionated jerk, but that’s also what makes me entertaining, and make no mistake. I KNOW I am entertaining which to some people comes off as annoying, If you are one of these people we will know soon enough and I think perhaps we won’t be friends but that’s ok, because besides being cynical, outspoken and opinionated, I am also a good guy with a good heart who truly does want everyone to be happy as long as the things you do to make you happy do not involve hurting other people or animals or any of that other crazy destructive shit. So if I do not entertain you, and I just kind of annoy you, then don’t read what i have to say, this is not the place for you, but also try and give me the same courtesy I give you, As the saying goes, “Live and Let Live”. So like I said if I am not your cup of tea as it were, don’t hate but please vacate (that rhymed)
So have I even begin to answer the question “WHO AM I ?’ ?
I kinda doubt it. Ok so a readers digest condensed version of my bio. Born and raised in a mid sized town in Connecticut, Lived there until I was 29, did all the things a kid-young adult from a mid sized town was supposed to do, Get married, have a kid, start a career and settle down, Only in this case the kid came way before the marriage, 9 years before the marriage as a matter of fact, i was 17, his name is Eric and I have not seen him since he was 3, The marriage was when i was 26, her name was Sue and I have not seen her since i was 29, and the career was Bass Player in a series of unheard of and unsigned bands,. I had long hair, tight pants, super cool rock moves and I fucked a lot of women, many of whom i did not know their names and would not know them if they sat down on my couch. But truth be told I can not remember what my own ex-wife looked like. You see angst ridden suburban upbringings come equipped with large amounts of illicit drugs and alcohol, which for the most part, kids outgrow by their early twenties, I however was not “the most part” no quite the contrary I was “the least part” I am not going to allow this to become some crazy “A million little pieces ” bullshit memoir meant to give non-addicts a glimpse into a world that they are both repulsed and fascinated by but rather I am just telling you this so you may get an idea as to why I have only a foggy recollection of what my ex-wife looked like and literally no clue what the many women I slept with in vans. bathrooms, motel rooms, dressing rooms, elevators, on roofs, in basements, the back or front seats of cars, in parks, friends beds, in the woods etc looked like,. I only know that I never really found home. I thought I did once, very recently but it seems I was wrong about that too. Yeah I see now that when my 11 year old neighbor, Billy Ferrucci asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint with him (I had turned 12 15 days before) and I said yes, that i chose a door, and possibly the wrong door, or perhaps the only door that was open to me. As a total non-sequitur as I write this I have Pandora on the TV (Jethro Tull Station) and Emerson Lake and Palmers. “Lucky Man” is playing which is either symbolic of something or of nothing at all. I just thought it worth mentioning. So where was I ?
Have I begun to answer the question WHO AM I ? ?
I guess I am done with my taies of suburban living, the rest of my adventure takes place in the beautiful/disgusting City of Los Angeles. I still have no idea why, after I allowed this town to ruin my marriage, after my music career crashed and burned, after i got caught up in a criminal life, after rapidly escalating drug use, after having my life threatened numerous times, after arrests, incarcerations, countless heartbreaks, bankruptcies, after homelessness, hopelessness, multiple suicide attempts and quite a few failed trips to various re-habs, after all or even some of these things happened, did I not go back to CT, back home, and i guess the answer is, that I knew that was not HOME. I don’t even know where HOME is, like I said I thought I had found it recently but I was wrong, maybe my embarking on the adventure I will finally be HOME. Maybe that’s why after countless people have suggested that I write something, anything about my life, that I am finally starting, Maybe at some point during this adventure I may actually find HOME.
But have I yet answered the question WHO AM I ? ?
I don’t think i am really the one to decide if that question has been answered, Maybe I am looking to you, whoever is reading this to answer that question for me. In all honesty, and on these pages there will only be honestly, I don’t know what my true purpose for doing this is. It started as a way to entertain, perhaps explain and who knows maybe even prosper, this is America after all, why can’t I be a capitalist like everyone else ? Those were my motivations for starting this but I can already see it is becoming something different.
I think for now we should just table the discussion of WHO AM I ?